Mink Eyes Read online

  DAN FLANIGAN

  Mink Eyes Copyright © 2019 Dan Flanigan. All Rights Reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission from the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

  For information about this title or to order other books and/or electronic media, contact the publisher:

  Arjuna Books

  600 3rd Avenue, 42nd Floor

  New York, New York 10016

  ISBN: 978-1-7336103-0-8 (print)

  978-1-7336103-1-5 (eBook)

  Printed in the United States of America

  Cover and Interior design: 1106 Design

  *This book is a revised edition originally

  published under the pseudonym of Max McBride.

  “Sir,” said Sir Ector, “meseemeth your quest is done, and mine is not done.”

  “Well,” said Sir Gawain, “I shall seek no farther.”

  Le Morte D’Arthur

  CONTENTS

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  About the Author

  CHAPTER 1

  AS HE ALWAYS did when he wasn’t hungover, O’Keefe forced himself into his gym shorts, T-shirt, socks, and tennis shoes and moved through the dark apartment toward his exercise room, believing that this was yet another decision, however small and seemingly insignificant, in favor of life and against death, like the times in Vietnam when he had fought off sleep on guard duty. The little men in the black pajamas, the little men who never slept, were just waiting for you to doze off so they could creep into your hole and quietly, and ever so gently, cut your throat.

  The apartment occupied the entire bottom floor of an old Victorian house in a re-gentrifying neighborhood. He could sense, though he could not see, Kelly sleeping on the fold-out couch in the living room. She was spending the weekend with him—she under his care, he under hers. The child will save you, he thought.

  The digital dial of the clock sitting on the fireplace mantel read 5:12 AM, 10-4-86. He passed through the living room and into the spare bedroom that he had converted into an exercise room and small home office. He flipped on the light and turned on the TV. The all-news channel headlined a statement from President Reagan concerning the shooting down of a plane over Nicaragua loaded with supplies for the rebel Contras. The Nicaraguan government claimed that the CIA had sponsored the plane. The U.S. ambassador and CIA denied the charge. In Palm Beach, Florida, the FBI had accomplished the largest drug bust in U.S. history, seizing 4,620 pounds of cocaine, worth $41 million.

  His exercise program was simple and took exactly one hour. Stretching exercises, sit-ups, side straddle hops, jumping rope, thirty minutes on the exercise bike or treadmill, squat thrusts, leg lifts, push-ups. He had done these exercises almost every morning for many years now, but he still disliked every second of this wrenching hour. He had disliked the exercises ever since he had first done them at the age of ten under the mock-savage goading of his grade-school football coaches. He had liked them even less, again, many years later, in the Marine Corps, as he strained beneath the razor eyes of the little fascist thug in the “Smokey the Bear” hat who liked to scream at you and kick you in the side as you struggled to complete that last fingertip push-up.

  After boot camp, he had vowed never again to do exercises. For years afterward, he had kept that vow, but those years had been lost years. However much he hated these exercises, however stupid and dull this hour proved always to be, he knew he needed it the same way he needed food or sleep, needed it to survive. This morning’s exercise routine was a critical link in his slender lifeline to reality, like the cord that attached the astronaut walking in space to his ship. If that lifeline ever snapped again, as it had done in those lost, drug-fogged years, he might drift for the rest of his days, trapped in the void, squandering the only life he would ever be privileged to live.

  Yet he still wanted sometimes to reach out and sever the line, cut the cord. That void, that limbo of mind and soul, still attracted him, pulled at him like the flame pulls at the moth.

  He was doing his last few push-ups when Kelly came looking for him. She stood in the doorway, flinching as she watched him grunting in pain, arms quivering, chest heaving. The last one was too much for him. He could not quite complete it before he collapsed face down on the floor, panting and wanting to throw up.

  “Why do you do that every day, Dad?”

  “Denial of death,” he grunted, hardly able to get the words out.

  “What’s that mean?”

  He pushed himself into a sitting position on the floor.

  “Nothing. I need to keep in shape for my work. So I can catch the bad guys.”

  “Do you really catch bad guys?”

  “Not really. Mostly I just watch and follow.”

  “Watch?”

  “And sometimes they’re not all that bad. Sometimes I’m kind of the bad one.”

  “Dad! You’re always joking.”

  He was so exhausted he could hardly bring himself to his feet. As he limped past her out of the room, he said, “Breakfast at the French bakery today.”

  She smiled and hurried to get her clothes on.

  KELLY THOUGHT HE looked much better after he had showered and shaved and put on his jeans, long-sleeved, button-down shirt, suede sports jacket, and loafers. She stood at the kitchen door, watching the back of him as he smoked his cigarette, sipped his coffee, and stared out the window at the fallen leaves swirling along the sidewalk. The radio played. Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors,” top song of the day. Such a nice song, she thought.

  He was so tall, over six feet tall, and he still looked thin though he often said he was getting “fat like a pig.” She liked the way he was wearing his hair now, brushed back up off his forehead, just covering his ears on the side, hanging a bit over his collar in the back. He looked a little shaggy but a little neat too, as if he could not decide which of these things he really wanted to be. His nose was very thin and his cheekbones high. There was a white scar, two inches long, on his right cheekbone, which he had gotten in Vietnam from a piece of rocketing, whizzing steel that he called “shrapnel.” He said he loved that scar more than any of the others because that piece of steel had been trying to kill him, but it had missed. He said he felt very grateful for that scar.

  She loved his stories about the scars carved all over his body, and through the years she had made him tell her those stories over and over again. He had been run down by cars and bicycles and fallen off fences and horses. When he was only five years old, he had run smack-dab into a cement birdbath and broken his nose, and he still had a lump on the side of his nose that marked the point of the fracture. By the time he was her age now, ten years old, doctors had sewn thirty-two stitches into his body. She herself had never had a stitch at all and did not plan to have any.

  His hazel eyes changed from brown to green and sometimes almost to blue, depending on what he
wore. She had no doubt he was handsome. Most of all he was mysterious. Things went on in his head that she knew she would never understand or even want to. He said the strangest things, things that surprised her and made her wonder. Even his anger broke strange, a bolt of hot lightning that struck and then disappeared as fast as it had come. He could reduce her to tears with a few words.

  She stayed with him every other weekend, and sometimes he took her out on week nights too, but she feared that all of this might end suddenly, that he might move out of the city or just stop coming to pick her up, or get married again and have other kids. Maybe he would do to her what his father, the grandpa she had never seen, had done to him—left him when he was just a small boy and not bothered to see him since. It would be best if he would come back home, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t even talk about it anymore. Mom said she wouldn’t let him come back even if he wanted to, but Kelly did not believe that.

  He was often so gentle and kind, yet he had left her and her mother and would not come back no matter how much she implored him. But then, when he had lived with them, she loved him, of course, but she really had not been very fond of him. It seemed like he was hardly ever there. Night after night, she and her mom had eaten dinner without him, Kelly trying to make conversation, her mom hardly responding to her because she couldn’t help thinking about him, where he might be (really be, that is), why he hadn’t called, why he always broke his promises. After dinner, Kelly would go play in her room while her mom sat by the bay window downstairs, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and waiting. Sometimes she used to wake up at night and hear them fighting, loud voices saying words whose meanings she did not know but whose feelings she knew too well. At those times, she had clutched her blanket to herself as tightly as she could and rolled up into a little ball.

  He still had not noticed her watching him. He poured himself another cup of coffee, lit another cigarette, and stared again out the kitchen window at the yellow and red-orange leaves that had fallen from the trees and now rustled gently around the wheels of the cars parked on the street. He seemed so sad so much of the time. He was always looking off into space like right now. What’s he looking for out there?

  She squinched up her nose as the smoke from his cigarette drifted toward her. “Did you know Mom quit smoking?”

  That old anger flashed through his eyes but quickly passed on, giving way to that sad, mocking smile of his.

  “Are you ready?” was all he said.

  IT WAS A few minutes after dawn when O’Keefe and Kelly left the apartment, that time just after first light when the temperature suddenly and inexplicably drops. They walked through a small park across the street from his apartment. She fell back, shuffling through the grass, letting the dew soak her shoes.

  “Don’t do that,” he said. “You’ll ruin your loafers.”

  She hurried and caught up to him. They held hands and strolled out of the park and across a wide boulevard empty of traffic and into an area of older commercial buildings that had been redeveloped as shops, restaurants, bars, and offices. All up and down the street were flowerpots and flower boxes full of mums, carnations, and azaleas that this year’s first frost would soon kill. The old brick streets and trolley tracks had been restored. During business hours, two trolley cars carried people from one end of the district to the other. In a few hours the district would be jammed with Saturday strollers and shoppers, but now the tall, dark-haired man and the ten-year-old girl were the only people on the street.

  “I wish it was early in the morning all the time,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “Before all the people come out and complicate things.”

  They walked on in silence for a few steps as she wondered whether to speak her mind.

  “Mom says you don’t like people.”

  “Well, I suppose she’s sort of right about that.”

  “She says you ought to be a hermit on a deserted island all by yourself like old Robinson Carusoe.”

  “Crusoe,” he corrected her. “I’d probably like that a lot. But then I’d never be able to see you.”

  He looked down at her, that sad mocking smile on his face again. She wondered what the smile meant.

  “Would you go live on that island with me?”

  She thought it over for a few steps and then told him, no, she didn’t think she could really handle that, since there just wouldn’t be enough to do. “It would get awful boring,” she said.

  That made him laugh. “Well, I don’t think I’ll be leaving for that island any time soon,” he said.

  O’KEEFE TUCKED HIS chin against the cold, but he could tell that the sun would soon burn the chill out of the air, and it would turn into one of those glorious October days—bright sun, no wind, cool but not cold. On such days there would be a moment when he would suddenly be overwhelmed as hope and yearning welled up inexplicably from somewhere within him, a rush of feeling that would catch him unawares and thoroughly surprise him though it had happened to him time after time, year after year, on certain autumn and spring days.

  The French bakery was the only shop open this early. The old French woman in charge greeted O’Keefe by name. He chose a pain au lait and coffee. Kelly chose pain au chocolat and cocoa. He stared at her while she ate. He could not help staring at her sometimes. She had extracted the best physical characteristics of her father and mother—her mother’s long, lean legs and large, round eyes, her father’s dark hair, thin nose, and high cheekbones. She was more than pretty or cute—she was beautiful. People often stared and commented to each other when she passed them on the street. She sat there now with dirty fingernails and chocolate smeared on the side of her mouth, and she had only recently stopped picking her nose, but all that would be over too soon. He dreaded her growing up. Not because he would lose her. He had already reconciled himself to that. How could you lose what was never really yours? But he feared for her. He knew from his own experience and that of his friends that what happened to you from age thirteen to age twenty-one could break you into pieces. Or it could enslave you, plant you so firmly in a mental, financial, or other kind of rut that you would never escape it. If you were not very careful, you could go to sleep and sleepwalk your life away.

  And she was a woman. Everything in the culture had already conspired against her and would continue to conspire against her to make her powerless, at the mercy of men’s fickle eyes. Her beauty would be as much a curse as a blessing. He hoped that she would be able to find her worth within herself, not in the admiring eyes of others, not in her ability to manipulate and control the foolish men who would try to worship, possess, and demean her. How could he teach her the things she needed so desperately to know, especially when he had so little esteem for his own self, especially when he had spent too much of his life just drifting along like a fluff of dandelion in the wind, without plan, purpose, or envisioned destination?

  “What are you looking at?” she said.

  Caught in the act, nonplussed, his mind grabbed for a quick and sure retort.

  “That chocolate on your face,” he said. “And those dirty fingernails.”

  She wiped her face with her napkin.

  “As soon as we get to the office, I want you to go in the john and clean those fingernails.”

  She shrugged away his scolding. She could have cared less.

  “I’m growing my hair long,” she said.

  “That’ll be nice.”

  “Do you like long-haired girls?”

  “They’re my favorite.”

  “That’s what Mom said.”

  She paused, as if hesitant to say what was really on her mind.

  “Mom used to have long hair, didn’t she?”

  His face tightened, his guilt welling up within him, as he nodded in the affirmative.

  Yes, her mom did once have long hair, he was thinking, but that had disappeared somewhere in the mid-1970s along with so much else from the 1960s. He thought of all the changes he had lived thro
ugh in the twenty years since 1965 when he had met Kelly’s mother. Big changes, small changes. In ’65, he and his friends would not even say “damn” in front of a girl. By ’69, they would say “fuck” without thinking, and so would many of the girls. In ’65, girls wore brassieres and tried to protect their virginity. By ’69, you could see their bare breasts through their tank tops all up and down the block, and people were fucking in the streets. In ’65, he believed in God and all the other teachings of the Catholic Church. By ’69, he believed in nothing. In ’65, twelve thousand dollars a year put you in the upper middle class. By ’69, it put you in the lower middle class. By now, in 1986, it put you near the poverty line. Everything had exploded in the ’60s, most of all the money supply, and in the ’70s, everybody had started chasing all that money. You could buy goods and services in 1975 that you would never have dreamed of being able to buy in 1965, and you were not yet even thirty years old. All you had to do was play the game, help keep the chain letter going. You paid more than you could afford to and sold your life for the income to pay the debt.

  CHAPTER 2

  THEY LEFT THE bakery and window-shopped on their way to O’Keefe’s office, which was in a not-quite-restored building at the edge of the restoration district. Kelly kicked a small pile of leaves that had gathered on the sidewalk.

  “Do you carry a gun?”

  “Why do you keep asking me that? I’ve told you a hundred times I don’t carry a gun.”

  “All the private detectives on TV do.”

  “Well, I don’t.”

  “You wouldn’t ever lie to me, would you?”

  “Scout’s honor.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “Boy Scout’s honor.”

  “Were you a Boy Scout?”

  “No.”

  “Come on!”

  “Cross my heart.”

  “And hope to die?”

  “No.” No, he never wanted to die, to be nothing. He wondered if he would be brave when the time came for him to be nothing.